Last year I lost my husband of 32 years. His death was tragic, but not completely unexpected. He’d been sick with a devastating autoimmune condition for a long time, and his health declined rapidly during the last few years of his life. Caring for him became a full-time job, one I will never regret doing. Our last months together are precious memories that I will continue to cling to as long as I live.
After he died, I felt like I was living in an oppressive darkness. Grief affects people in different ways, and mine was pretty devastating. At times I felt grief ambush my emotions and leave me shattered. Ted’s birthday was January 1, and for months my constant prayer was, “Just let me get to January 2, past all those terrible ‘firsts’. Maybe then I’ll be able to breathe again.”
On January 2, something changed. Maybe it was because I’d been building myself up for it, but when I woke that morning I felt like I had stepped out of a dark cave. The sun came out and cast its brilliant rays down onto me. My world looked bright with hope, something I had not seen or felt in a long time. Like I might be able to actually enjoy life again, instead of merely existing. In the four months since that day, my life has undergone so many incredible changes! I sold my house and moved back home, close to family. I’ve begun enjoying things that gave me pleasure years ago, like painting and singing. I’ve renewed old friendships and started new ones. I’ve lost some excess weight which I picked up during my lengthy period of caregiving and deep grieving. (Always a good thing to drop a couple of dress sizes!)
But the biggest change of all is this: I met a man, and I’ve found something worthwhile on the other side of grief. I wasn’t looking for romance, and to be honest it took me by surprise. This feels good! No, it feels great! I can’t count the number of people who have seen Brad and me together and commented, “Gosh, you look so happy!”
Why am I telling you this? Well, for starters, because I want to share the reason I smile a lot lately. 🙂 But also because I want to offer a word of comfort to those who are grieving a loss. I want you to know that there is hope for the future. Your grief is unique to you, and it may last a long time, or – like me – you may open your eyes one morning and discover that the pain has receded. Not disappeared, but become tolerable. I want you to know this: if you’re open to it, there will be an end to the darkness, and you, too, can enjoy smiles and joy and sunshine.
Hang in there, my friends. Tomorrow really can be brighter.